a seed planted and left alone would always stay... but if nourished and loved would blossom like a beautiful lotus...
Vocation... they say that vocation is a gift from God but what if at some point you started to dislike it, and even tried your best to loose it only to find out that it clings like a "tuko" and you started to love it and appreciate it, value it and see it in a whole better perspective.
Well, this is my vocation story in a nut shell. But how did it actually started? This question was what I have been asking myself for a long time now. Allow me to share it with you, the reflection of my vocation, the whole story behind it.
For most of us dreams happen when we are on our youngest years and somehow, we also dream crazy and big like "hey, I want to be super man so that I can fly... how about an astronaut and see the stars and the moon in front of you... or a doctor and heal people... how about becoming a priest??? wow! now that's a dream...
Just like most of you, I have also dreamed big when I was still a kid, and among those mentioned are some of my dreams.
A child often marvels at the different people around him and at times, they try to imitate what they see. Somehow, through these sights, they discover what they want and it leads them to dream. Now dreams are dreams, they are made in everyone of us, to aspire for something, and someday, to be that dream.
One of the most marvellous sights which I have had was that of a priest saying mass. I remember as a child, I would imitate our priest and I would say a “mass” together with my cousins. I remember that my aunt bought me a wooden cup which I used as our chalice and for our bread, I usually ask my lola for money to buy bread from the bakery across our house (for most of my childhood years, my memories are that of our home in Bulacan, I practically grew up there). I enjoyed doing it so much and when I was asked by the friend priest of my Dad “Gusto mo bang mag-pari?” because my Dad told him about it, I responded “Opo!” together with a smile. I never realized why I wanted to be such, what’s marvellous about a person staying in front drinking and eating? But for me, as a young boy, it meant a lot, it inspired me a lot and it was that something inside me which lead me into wanting to be one. This was the first streak of vocation in me and I felt happy and drawn to it, well maybe its just a childhood fantasy, or so I thought.
As a child, we usually drift away from our childhood fantasies to bigger things in life like family, friends, problems, school and school, hehehe!
Just like any other child, I grew up from my dreams and was fascinated more into life as it is which consist of playing, school, TV shows and family bonding. I lived a normal and enjoyable life as a child which was growing up. You could also say that in this point, I lost that streak of vocation to the priesthood in me or it just got buried up because of things which appeared to be more appealing like having fun and enjoying life. This was the starting point of my vitality in life, booming with energy and just going around from one point to the other like a surging typhoon. But things started to die down, struggles, serious struggles started to emerge.
Struggles are normal things in a life of a person, but if things get off hand, it might bring worse things but if learned upon, growth would be realized.
One of the most pressing times that happened in the family was the start of the deaths. I remember that the first one that God took away was my “Amang”. Well I never really had a lot of memories about my Amang since he worked abroad and we seldom meet but all I know is that it is from him where my Mom got her meekness and from them, I got mine. Amang was the meekest person you could meet. Very soft spoken, very kind and very helpful, also loving that there would not be a streak of fear to emerge from you whenever you speak with him. One of the memories I had of him was when he gave me a pocket game boy. I remember that I was the first one to have it. I felt so much loved and valued and so happy because of this gift which came from him. But as all may meet their end, one day, God took Amang from us. It was because of a lung failure. After that I saw my mama crying so much and it made me feel so sad. Back then, I never really understood anything. All I know was that Amang was gone, I felt sad.
The next person which God took away was my “Papa”. He was the father of my Dad. A stern person and somehow feared by many but for me he was one of the sweetest and loving person on earth, especially to us, his grand children.
Loosing someone you have been used to seeing and which you have been used to talking to is quite painful, especially when you are a child and you don’t understand things that well. Especially if you see him in front of you growing weaker and weaker and you just can’t do anything about it. Such was my experience with my Papa. They say that there was this disease called cancer. They say that it kills people and when it hits, it hits hard. This caused the death of my grandfather. As a child, it was very painful for me to see the one I love suffering much in front of me and what‘s more painful is that I can’t do anything to at least alleviate the pain that he is feeling. It is like I feel that I should do something but I can’t… I just can’t. I felt so helpless seeing Papa in a state like that and just stood there and watched him slowly vanishing in front until the inevitable came. They say that life is just something which God lends us and which he could take away in due time. My grandfather died on 2 October 1998 just after the birthday of my grandmother. I was with him on the night before he died. He was so strong, so happy and I wished at that moment that things would just stay as such. The day my grandfather died, I swore to myself that someday, when I grow up I would like to be a Doctor, the best Doctor in the world so as I could prevent such things from every happening to other people and for them not to experience the pain which I have felt. I swore that in my blood and had been my greatest desire. It stayed with my heart… until now. Somehow, it led me away from my dream of being a priest. A Doctor!!! I want to be a super Doctor! One who could cure everything! I wanted to be such so badly.
As time would always fly, changes would always happen; growth would always come and alter the unalterable one.
After having such experiences, I grew up as a normal lad, but still keeping that dream in my heart, Doctor, doctor, doctor! What do you want when you grow up? I want to be a doctor! Period. I tried working my best into fulfilling this dream. I tried studying and making biology my favourite subject. All was geared toward that goal.
Our brothers are our best friends but most of the time our worst enemies.
As such was the case, I was not an exemption. Things started to get rough with my brothers at home. Often times, I would fight with my big brother over lots of things. We tend to disagree about many things. I remember that our clashes reached even to the point that I never wanted to see him again but deep inside me I was longing to be loved by him and be treated as an equal. I hated him for two main reasons, for acting so insensitively about things and for making our Mama cry always. Things at home started to become really rough back then and at times, I almost just wanted to spend more time away from home especially after my uncle died when my aunt and dad would have heated arguments against my lola because there was this nun that has been talking a lot from my lola and they say that my lola is being disillusioned because she just lost a son.
Even as close as a family could be, storms are inevitable, but such storms often than not lead to a beautiful sunrise afterwards.
The last person that God took away from our family was my uncle. The experienced caused a ripple effect to our family and even to my life. At the times that my brother was being rebellious, was also the time the family encountered worse times. My uncle contracted cancer from what seem to be an ordinary stomach ache. Eventually, it advanced in stage until it completely took him away. I remember my parents deciding to go to the US during his last days when I was in third year highschool. This Christmas was our driest but we understood why it has to be such. For the next years, home just wasn’t the same anymore. There were all sorts of conflict there and maybe that was one of the reasons why I also decided to go to the seminary, to get away from home and maybe that was the reason why I missed home so much before especially during the first years of my seminary lie.
In face of storms, a seed would always bow down but it would never disappear.
I was settled with my plans of being a doctor, everything was set, it was a fail proof plan until because of a piece of white paper, and everything became confusing. We were given a piece of paper by our cathechist and there you need to place your top 3 career choices and to my surprise, among those that I have listed was “I wanted to become a priest”. I cannot hide what my heart desires; I realized that it would always say its piece no matter how much I try to suppress it. Another incident before this happened; there was this priest by the name of Fr. Dennis Meim. I was shopping at Salesiana back then together with two of my friends. We were browsing at stuff and then we came across him. He talked with us for a while and after that he looked at me straight in the eye and said to me “I can see it in your eyes, you want to become a priest. Am I right?” I said “Father di ko po alam and then nodded.” Then he said “pagisipan mo, hindi kayang magtago ng iyong mga mata.” Your eyes cannot lie, I realized that afterwards. He was right. They show a window of your soul and what you really think, want and feel. These incidents revived everything but it was still until one time, the catechist was giving out forms for the orientation, two of my classmates were given. I got curious and asked about it. I realized that it was a try out in the seminary. I signed in for it but unfortunately, I had a conflict in my schedule. It happened that the day of the orientation would hit the day in which I was suppose to take my entrance test in San Beda. I was in a dilemma but in the end, I just found myself going for the three day orientation forgetting the exam in San Beda.
Luckily during the orientation it was the rector’s day, I had lots of fun and I said to myelf “Ganito pala sa seminaryo, masaya!” I enjoyed my three day orientation, met new friends and later on, I would always come back to this experience to find strength. After the orientation, I totally forgot about the seminary until it was our graduation retreat. I don’t know what came to me but all I know was that during the confession, I told Fr. Joebeth “Fr. Di ko pa po talaga alam, nalilito pa rin po ako.” Then he advised me to go and join the summer camp and told me that if I go there I would know. He called home and told my parents about it and I remember that back then, I was still reluctant if I would go or not I remember that I told him “Father, five days po yun, and haba nun!” Then he said “subukan mo lang , pinapangako ko sayo di mo yun pagsisisihan, pumasok ka man o hindi!” And he was right, I enjoyed it so much and somehow it helped me a lot during the camp, I met my batchmates, the other seminarians and it made a lot of difference. Also when the camp was finally over when we were on our way back, I remember telling Fr. Roel, the vocation director “Father, hindi ko po alam fifty fifty pa rin po ako gusto ko po kasi talagang mag Doctor eh” But then he said “Magiging doctor ka rin naman eh, kaso hindi nga lang sa pisikal, doctor ng kaluluwa di ba mas maganda yun.” Then I said “sige po father, pag iisipan ko po.” A week after the summer camp, I told one of my future batchmate “Hindi ko ata alam, nalilito pa ata ako” then he said “Ano ka ba? Relax ka lang! enjoy your vocation na lang.” I kept all these things in my heart until one day, when I was suppose to get the results of the exam in UST because I got a waiting result, and we were near the building where we could get it, I told my mom “Ma tara na po, parang away ko na ata. Parang gusto ko na mag seminaryo.” My mom got shocked but since we understood each other, she just complied with what I said. We left UST then I called Fr. Joebeth and told him everything. He was happy. Life went on for me until I found myself in the seminary. Life had no been that easy before coming in and when I was in. I remember my Dad would always ask me “Gusto mo ba talaga? Sigurado ka ba?” whenever he would see me. I got fed up with it and I told my mom about it that I feel that Dad does not want me to go but Dad told me afterwards that he was just making sure that I like what I was doing. Then I told myself, I would prove it to him that I could do it to the end. Then everything went through the grace of God.
I realized when I was in the seminary things was not that simple. At first year I was almost about to leave during the first vacation, brought all my things when I went home. Summer of 1st year , I was really deciding on leaving but things were settled and I stayed for a few months until I was on my second year. It was the heaviest year for me because all my issues surfaced that year and it came to a point that I decided to leave the seminary when the first semester ended. Did all the necessary paper works, I even had my clearance for my transcript signed only to find out that after three days, I went back to the seminary because I felt that it was not yet my time. And now I am still here. I feel that I am now at home. My vocation is growing stronger and I am starting to love it because before, I remember that I was always praying to God that I just want to live like the others, that I don’t like the gift that he has given me and if he would please take it away from me. But he never did, he attached it on me like it was glued by the strongest glue and it never left me and in the end, I realized that all he was asking is for me to love it and treasure it and that’s what I feel now. I feel so much for this life. I want to go on till the end, if only he would be there to support me and guide me, if my kuya Jesus would help me in this, I am sure that I could do it.
To end this all, I remember the phrase that they usually ask me when I was young. “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
How about being superman and save people and fly? How about being an astronaut, search new and unfamiliar terrains and plant seed there and see the shining objects in the sky? How about being a doctor and save people from their diseases? Yeah how about it? How about being all this? Being a priest and be all this, now that’s a crazy idea! But that’s God’s wonderful idea.
Havoking sadness
