Monday, May 12, 2008


Anong bigat itong nadarama
ngayo't anjan na sa harap mo
unti-unti pang nawawala
naglalaho,nawawala, nanghihina
at ang mahirap pa dun ay parang
wala kang magawa

Kinukuha sa harap mo
Pilit mong pinaglalaban
pero wala... wala talaga
sadyang naglalaho, lumalabo nanghihina
sadyang nawawala...
sadyang mabigat at mahirap madala

Magdasal man at dumulog
pero parang wala rin
walang nadarama...
tahimik rin siya
at lalong bumibigat pa

Gulung - gulo na ang utak ko
sa kakaisip ng mga ito
luha ay naguumapaw, tuloy tuloy ang pagagos
ngunit wala naman nagagawa ang pagiisip
pinahihina lang ang akin katawan

Poon ko, anong bigat itong nadarama
Pakiramdam ko ako ay nagiisa
Punuin lang ng presensya mo ay tama na
upang ituloy ko ang aking paghinga

Monday, January 21, 2008

the seed...

a seed planted and left alone would always stay... but if nourished and loved would blossom like a beautiful lotus...

Vocation... they say that vocation is a gift from God but what if at some point you started to dislike it, and even tried your best to loose it only to find out that it clings like a "tuko" and you started to love it and appreciate it, value it and see it in a whole better perspective.

Well, this is my vocation story in a nut shell. But how did it actually started? This question was what I have been asking myself for a long time now. Allow me to share it with you, the reflection of my vocation, the whole story behind it.

For most of us dreams happen when we are on our youngest years and somehow, we also dream crazy and big like "hey, I want to be super man so that I can fly... how about an astronaut and see the stars and the moon in front of you... or a doctor and heal people... how about becoming a priest??? wow! now that's a dream...

Just like most of you, I have also dreamed big when I was still a kid, and among those mentioned are some of my dreams.

A child often marvels at the different people around him and at times, they try to imitate what they see. Somehow, through these sights, they discover what they want and it leads them to dream. Now dreams are dreams, they are made in everyone of us, to aspire for something, and someday, to be that dream.

One of the most marvellous sights which I have had was that of a priest saying mass. I remember as a child, I would imitate our priest and I would say a “mass” together with my cousins. I remember that my aunt bought me a wooden cup which I used as our chalice and for our bread, I usually ask my lola for money to buy bread from the bakery across our house (for most of my childhood years, my memories are that of our home in Bulacan, I practically grew up there). I enjoyed doing it so much and when I was asked by the friend priest of my Dad “Gusto mo bang mag-pari?” because my Dad told him about it, I responded “Opo!” together with a smile. I never realized why I wanted to be such, what’s marvellous about a person staying in front drinking and eating? But for me, as a young boy, it meant a lot, it inspired me a lot and it was that something inside me which lead me into wanting to be one. This was the first streak of vocation in me and I felt happy and drawn to it, well maybe its just a childhood fantasy, or so I thought.

As a child, we usually drift away from our childhood fantasies to bigger things in life like family, friends, problems, school and school, hehehe!

Just like any other child, I grew up from my dreams and was fascinated more into life as it is which consist of playing, school, TV shows and family bonding. I lived a normal and enjoyable life as a child which was growing up. You could also say that in this point, I lost that streak of vocation to the priesthood in me or it just got buried up because of things which appeared to be more appealing like having fun and enjoying life. This was the starting point of my vitality in life, booming with energy and just going around from one point to the other like a surging typhoon. But things started to die down, struggles, serious struggles started to emerge.

Struggles are normal things in a life of a person, but if things get off hand, it might bring worse things but if learned upon, growth would be realized.

One of the most pressing times that happened in the family was the start of the deaths. I remember that the first one that God took away was my “Amang”. Well I never really had a lot of memories about my Amang since he worked abroad and we seldom meet but all I know is that it is from him where my Mom got her meekness and from them, I got mine. Amang was the meekest person you could meet. Very soft spoken, very kind and very helpful, also loving that there would not be a streak of fear to emerge from you whenever you speak with him. One of the memories I had of him was when he gave me a pocket game boy. I remember that I was the first one to have it. I felt so much loved and valued and so happy because of this gift which came from him. But as all may meet their end, one day, God took Amang from us. It was because of a lung failure. After that I saw my mama crying so much and it made me feel so sad. Back then, I never really understood anything. All I know was that Amang was gone, I felt sad.

The next person which God took away was my “Papa”. He was the father of my Dad. A stern person and somehow feared by many but for me he was one of the sweetest and loving person on earth, especially to us, his grand children.

Loosing someone you have been used to seeing and which you have been used to talking to is quite painful, especially when you are a child and you don’t understand things that well. Especially if you see him in front of you growing weaker and weaker and you just can’t do anything about it. Such was my experience with my Papa. They say that there was this disease called cancer. They say that it kills people and when it hits, it hits hard. This caused the death of my grandfather. As a child, it was very painful for me to see the one I love suffering much in front of me and what‘s more painful is that I can’t do anything to at least alleviate the pain that he is feeling. It is like I feel that I should do something but I can’t… I just can’t. I felt so helpless seeing Papa in a state like that and just stood there and watched him slowly vanishing in front until the inevitable came. They say that life is just something which God lends us and which he could take away in due time. My grandfather died on 2 October 1998 just after the birthday of my grandmother. I was with him on the night before he died. He was so strong, so happy and I wished at that moment that things would just stay as such. The day my grandfather died, I swore to myself that someday, when I grow up I would like to be a Doctor, the best Doctor in the world so as I could prevent such things from every happening to other people and for them not to experience the pain which I have felt. I swore that in my blood and had been my greatest desire. It stayed with my heart… until now. Somehow, it led me away from my dream of being a priest. A Doctor!!! I want to be a super Doctor! One who could cure everything! I wanted to be such so badly.

As time would always fly, changes would always happen; growth would always come and alter the unalterable one.

After having such experiences, I grew up as a normal lad, but still keeping that dream in my heart, Doctor, doctor, doctor! What do you want when you grow up? I want to be a doctor! Period. I tried working my best into fulfilling this dream. I tried studying and making biology my favourite subject. All was geared toward that goal.

Our brothers are our best friends but most of the time our worst enemies.

As such was the case, I was not an exemption. Things started to get rough with my brothers at home. Often times, I would fight with my big brother over lots of things. We tend to disagree about many things. I remember that our clashes reached even to the point that I never wanted to see him again but deep inside me I was longing to be loved by him and be treated as an equal. I hated him for two main reasons, for acting so insensitively about things and for making our Mama cry always. Things at home started to become really rough back then and at times, I almost just wanted to spend more time away from home especially after my uncle died when my aunt and dad would have heated arguments against my lola because there was this nun that has been talking a lot from my lola and they say that my lola is being disillusioned because she just lost a son.

Even as close as a family could be, storms are inevitable, but such storms often than not lead to a beautiful sunrise afterwards.

The last person that God took away from our family was my uncle. The experienced caused a ripple effect to our family and even to my life. At the times that my brother was being rebellious, was also the time the family encountered worse times. My uncle contracted cancer from what seem to be an ordinary stomach ache. Eventually, it advanced in stage until it completely took him away. I remember my parents deciding to go to the US during his last days when I was in third year highschool. This Christmas was our driest but we understood why it has to be such. For the next years, home just wasn’t the same anymore. There were all sorts of conflict there and maybe that was one of the reasons why I also decided to go to the seminary, to get away from home and maybe that was the reason why I missed home so much before especially during the first years of my seminary lie.

In face of storms, a seed would always bow down but it would never disappear.

I was settled with my plans of being a doctor, everything was set, it was a fail proof plan until because of a piece of white paper, and everything became confusing. We were given a piece of paper by our cathechist and there you need to place your top 3 career choices and to my surprise, among those that I have listed was “I wanted to become a priest”. I cannot hide what my heart desires; I realized that it would always say its piece no matter how much I try to suppress it. Another incident before this happened; there was this priest by the name of Fr. Dennis Meim. I was shopping at Salesiana back then together with two of my friends. We were browsing at stuff and then we came across him. He talked with us for a while and after that he looked at me straight in the eye and said to me “I can see it in your eyes, you want to become a priest. Am I right?” I said “Father di ko po alam and then nodded.” Then he said “pagisipan mo, hindi kayang magtago ng iyong mga mata.” Your eyes cannot lie, I realized that afterwards. He was right. They show a window of your soul and what you really think, want and feel. These incidents revived everything but it was still until one time, the catechist was giving out forms for the orientation, two of my classmates were given. I got curious and asked about it. I realized that it was a try out in the seminary. I signed in for it but unfortunately, I had a conflict in my schedule. It happened that the day of the orientation would hit the day in which I was suppose to take my entrance test in San Beda. I was in a dilemma but in the end, I just found myself going for the three day orientation forgetting the exam in San Beda.

Luckily during the orientation it was the rector’s day, I had lots of fun and I said to myelf “Ganito pala sa seminaryo, masaya!” I enjoyed my three day orientation, met new friends and later on, I would always come back to this experience to find strength. After the orientation, I totally forgot about the seminary until it was our graduation retreat. I don’t know what came to me but all I know was that during the confession, I told Fr. Joebeth “Fr. Di ko pa po talaga alam, nalilito pa rin po ako.” Then he advised me to go and join the summer camp and told me that if I go there I would know. He called home and told my parents about it and I remember that back then, I was still reluctant if I would go or not I remember that I told him “Father, five days po yun, and haba nun!” Then he said “subukan mo lang , pinapangako ko sayo di mo yun pagsisisihan, pumasok ka man o hindi!” And he was right, I enjoyed it so much and somehow it helped me a lot during the camp, I met my batchmates, the other seminarians and it made a lot of difference. Also when the camp was finally over when we were on our way back, I remember telling Fr. Roel, the vocation director “Father, hindi ko po alam fifty fifty pa rin po ako gusto ko po kasi talagang mag Doctor eh” But then he said “Magiging doctor ka rin naman eh, kaso hindi nga lang sa pisikal, doctor ng kaluluwa di ba mas maganda yun.” Then I said “sige po father, pag iisipan ko po.” A week after the summer camp, I told one of my future batchmate “Hindi ko ata alam, nalilito pa ata ako” then he said “Ano ka ba? Relax ka lang! enjoy your vocation na lang.” I kept all these things in my heart until one day, when I was suppose to get the results of the exam in UST because I got a waiting result, and we were near the building where we could get it, I told my mom “Ma tara na po, parang away ko na ata. Parang gusto ko na mag seminaryo.” My mom got shocked but since we understood each other, she just complied with what I said. We left UST then I called Fr. Joebeth and told him everything. He was happy. Life went on for me until I found myself in the seminary. Life had no been that easy before coming in and when I was in. I remember my Dad would always ask me “Gusto mo ba talaga? Sigurado ka ba?” whenever he would see me. I got fed up with it and I told my mom about it that I feel that Dad does not want me to go but Dad told me afterwards that he was just making sure that I like what I was doing. Then I told myself, I would prove it to him that I could do it to the end. Then everything went through the grace of God.

I realized when I was in the seminary things was not that simple. At first year I was almost about to leave during the first vacation, brought all my things when I went home. Summer of 1st year , I was really deciding on leaving but things were settled and I stayed for a few months until I was on my second year. It was the heaviest year for me because all my issues surfaced that year and it came to a point that I decided to leave the seminary when the first semester ended. Did all the necessary paper works, I even had my clearance for my transcript signed only to find out that after three days, I went back to the seminary because I felt that it was not yet my time. And now I am still here. I feel that I am now at home. My vocation is growing stronger and I am starting to love it because before, I remember that I was always praying to God that I just want to live like the others, that I don’t like the gift that he has given me and if he would please take it away from me. But he never did, he attached it on me like it was glued by the strongest glue and it never left me and in the end, I realized that all he was asking is for me to love it and treasure it and that’s what I feel now. I feel so much for this life. I want to go on till the end, if only he would be there to support me and guide me, if my kuya Jesus would help me in this, I am sure that I could do it.

To end this all, I remember the phrase that they usually ask me when I was young. “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

How about being superman and save people and fly? How about being an astronaut, search new and unfamiliar terrains and plant seed there and see the shining objects in the sky? How about being a doctor and save people from their diseases? Yeah how about it? How about being all this? Being a priest and be all this, now that’s a crazy idea! But that’s God’s wonderful idea.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Simplicity... any one???

This stuff was something I made in one of our classes in TESL in which we were asked to write crazy things and out of those crazy things, we were asked to synthesize them into one essay related to one topic which we read about St. Francis and St. Clare. It may seem so simple and even absurd at first but if you dwell into it more, you would see its beauty. It is also a bit rough since I didn’t took the effort to rewrite it as doing so would destroy the essence of doing this. Enjoy, this is light reading!!!

Why do people want to complicate things? A basic question which I ask myself seeing stuff like these being written about certain things which could be viewed as it is. In such case as Saint Clare and Saint Francis of Assisi, so what if they were in love? I think a better thing to be asking would be: what is love? And after answering that, no complications would ever appear because I think that God made his creations, as much as it may seem complicated as simple as it should be and that is done to love and to be in loved. Take this quote for instance, it may seem complicated but you would realize its simplicity and beauty “No matter what takes place in the world, Every day, there will always be starlight glittering at the edge of sky until day break, and there will always be morning dew shining on the grass in the soft light of day break; Both the starlight and the morning dew will give way gradually when the sky becomes bright. Starlight and Morning Dew, they meet only for a short time. Although the time they meet each other is short, they feel quite happy everyday.” Simplicity is happiness; happiness is love and St. Clare and St. Francis is all about love and simplicity and relationship. A last thought to ponder though “Two people lived together behind bars; one sees a muddy ground and the other, stars… who is happier?”

Thursday, August 2, 2007


by wilhelm orozco

the smile that got me upset
not because I am projecting myself
the dress that last a week
not because he has no other

The "love" that echoes in my ears
But got irritated to it
Chino very own friend
eiwww! but still my friend

Thursday, July 26, 2007

At the heart of the matter

The Heart of the Matter

My dear, my dear, how
fast things pass
Flashing, flashing quickly
in a flash
Busy, busy hurdling quickly
Loaded, loaded with
burdens so how heavy

My dear my dear, how
fast things past
Confusing, confusing with
words bewitching
Boom, Boom, how
shakingly destructive
Ahhh! Ahhh! my
nerves overflowing

My dear, my dear how
quickly things stride
Passing, passing like
I am already nothing
Busy, Busy, with
uberly worthless things
Seemingly confusing, my
bewildered sanity

My dear, my dear, how
everything has passed
And the night, the night has
finally arrived
Confusions, Confusions
filling my thoughts
Salvation, Salvation a
moment alone, minute or two
in the heart of the matter
silently with the Lord

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Paskong malamig

Sa isang paskong malamig

May isang batang babaeng nagtitinda ng liwanag

Walang naibenta sa buong magdamag

Siya’y namatay sa lamig

Ng ihip ng hanging paskong

Dapat ay dala’y liwanag

Inspired from little match girl by Hans Christen Anderson

An essay about good

Everything that God created is good. Good is the common thing among all people. It binds them together. It is that “something” which makes them all capable of doing things which are beautiful. To be good doesn’t really mean to be “proper” but likewise, to be good means that all of your intentions and desires are leading for the betterment of other and thus, you become “proper”.

Good is also that “something” which blooms in the hearts of everyone. Its flowers are love, kindness, generosity and everything that you could think of, both the beautiful and the ugly, the negative and the positive.

But you should be careful from good for it may become out of control, for if it becomes out of control, it could also destroy rather than to beautify and make.

Inspired from Romans 8:28

Friday, July 20, 2007


Havoking sadness
Happiness bringing
Heaven's sight
Hell's anger

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Life through the eyes of Christ

Life they say is like a box of chocolates, you do not know what to expect. Life they say is like a trend, constantly changing without end. But in reality, life is broader than that. Life is really unexplainable, even by the greatest of the minds that have walked in this planet. It differs from one person to the other. But there is one person who simplified the meaning of life for us. He told us the true meaning of life. . He is also the greatest person to have ever walked this world and to this day, there is no account of a person who could ever match his greatness. That man is Jesus. He is the man who made life’s meaning simpler.

For Jesus, there is only one true meaning of life. It revolves around this single definition. You may neglect any element from your life except this single word. For him, life is all about love. It is summed up in loving others and loving God. Jesus said that in order for us to live our lives to the fullest, then we should live it with love. Remove all the unnecessary things but not love. For it is also written in the bible that, “Faith, hope and love remains, these three, but the greatest is love”.

Jesus also thought us the right way to love others. He said that in order for you to live your life fully with love, you need to express love by giving and not receiving. You also need to place your trust in God and in others with all your heart and you should not doubt their presence. Jesus clearly showed us that example during his days in earth. He made his life the greatest example of how we should live our live. “Observe how he loved us. It was not cautious and but extravagant. He did not love in order to get something from others but to give everything of himself to others.” Jesus love that way. That fact can be clearly seen from the way he loved his disciples, especially Judas. Because since the time that Jesus had met Judas, Jesus already knew that Judas would be the one who would betray him. Yet that did not stop Jesus from loving him just as he loved his other disciples. He did not even made precautionary measures but rather, he treated him as he treated his other apostles.

What a wonderful way to live life; full of trust and love for others, even though you know that you would get hurt eventually. And that is the wonder of love. You could over come all the pain and suffering. It would help you to bear them. And do always remember that no matter what pains and suffering you experience, if you bear it with love you would eventually grow from it, one way or the other. For they say that “Life is not life without the trials that sharpens it.” For they also say that “In the end there are only three things that matter; How much you have loved, How fully you have lived and How graceful you have let go of the things that are not meant for you.” For the true meaning of life is love. If everybody would live this way then there is no doubt that this place would be a haven for all. Love, love more and love even more. For it is not for love, there would not be life in the first place.


What Beauty I see

Birds beyond the horizons

under the fire tree

The golden tree blooms

It brings joy to everyone

mostly to the sad

Aching pain I feel

seeing the darkness of night

under the black sky

Stars shining so bright

lending a hand in the dark

inspires us to stand

Uncertain the wind

sometimes brings life and comfort

sometimes blows so hard

Quotes for inspiration

Love is giving for the world’s needs

Love is sharing as the lord leads

Love is caring when the world cries

Love is compassionate with Christ-like eyes

What do we live for if it is not to make life less difficult for others – george eliot

There is no greater love than to ay down your life for your friends – John 15:13

Discard not old friends for a new one cannot equal him – Sirach 9:10

Observe how Christ loves us, his love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t live in order to get something of himself from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. – based on Ephesians 5:2

The test of thankfulness is not what you have to be thankful for but whether anyone else has a reason to be thankful that you are here.

I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him. – Booker T. Washington

If I become angry at one person, I become just like him – Chino

It is ok for me to suffer as long as I have love for God and for others in my heart. St. Paul

I could never hurt those people that I love. It is better for me to feel the pain alone rather than being happy but others feel painful inside. – Chino

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it for anyone else – Charles Dickens

There is no lovelier way to thank God for your sight than by giving a helping hand to someone in the dark – Helen Keller

True love is not knowing the reason why you love… it does not need a reason because it is unconditional – chino

Only lovecna be divided endlessly and still not diminish. – Anne Marrrow Lindburgh

When we tell other that we are grateful for their efforts, it inspires them to continue to do good work.

That which is loved is always beautiful

You do not need a reason to help others – my motto

In life nothing lasts forever but atleast you could make things last longer and enjoy every moment while it is still there. – Chino

Kung may pagmamahal ka, may paki ka, mapansin ka man o hindi – ma’m alsen

Do all the good you can

By all the means you can

In all the ways you can

As longs as ever you can

- John Wesley

There is no way a person can love another person exactly the same way because they are different people

Pride is the seed of all evil while humility is the mother of all virtues

When you love a person, you value everything about that person

When we lose the capacity to love, we live a soulless life – Chino

Sometimes, it is good too to feel hurt, because if you have felt hurt, you have also felt love. – Chino

Who am I?

I am a kind hearted person willing to give my life for others. I love helping others because it gives a different kind of joy in my heart. I don’t like to see others suffering because I always want to see people happy. It makes me sad whenever I see a person sad. I value my friends and my family so much. I am willing to give my life for them because I see them as God’s precious gift to me. I love writing. I find pleasure in it. It helps me to express my self a lot better and helps remove my tension. I am the kind of person who wants to die an early age, even as early as seventeen years old because at that point, I think that I have experienced all the happiness. I would like to die giving my life for others. I love trees, animals and the nature that surrounds us. They help me to be relaxed. I symbolize myself as a tree and a star. A tree because it symbolizes life, toughness and compassion. A star because it gives shining in the dark and inspires others just by looking at it. I find my greatest happiness in serving others, in my family, friends and loved ones, but as much as they are the greatest source of my happiness they are also the source of my greatest sadness. I find strength in my family, friends and loved ones but they are also my weakness. My motto’s in life are “You do not need a reason to help others” and “In life, nothing lasts forever but at least you can make things last longer and enjoy every moment while it is still there.” And lastly, I always place this thought in my mind, “Pride is the seed of all evil while humility is the mother of all virtues”, it helps me to be a better person.

Impyerno sa Langit

May Impyerno nga ba sa langit? Tumatakbong napatanong ni Tim, isang 17 taong gulang na bata may patpating katawan, malungkot na mga mata at maputing balat.

Napaisip si Tim sa tanong na ito matapos sumama ng lubos ang kanyang loob sa mga pangyayari sa kanyang paligid, ang mga nararanasan niyang pag-aaway ng mga tao, kaguluhan ng kanyang paligid, at mga hirap at sakit na natatamo niya sa kanyang tinitirahan. Madalas rin kasing banggitin sa kanya noong bata pa lamang siya ang mga katagang ito, “Impyerno sa Langit”, dahil na rin siguro sa kahirapan ng buhay nila. Ngayong sobrang bigat rin ng kanyang damdamin, naisip niya muli ito, “May impyerno nga ba sa langit?” paulit na patanong ni Tim habang sumisinghot ng sipon at paupong napatigil sa isang kanto. “ May impyerno nga ba talaga sa langit?” pasigaw na tanong ni Tim habang unti-unting tumutulo ang kanyang luha sa kanyang malulungkot na mga mata. “Kung may impyerno nga talaga sa langit, eh ayaw ko ng mapuntang langit, parehas lang naman pala dito eh! Mala impyerno rin” pasigaw na pasalita ni Tim. Buti na lang at nasa lilib na bahagi sila ng kanyang baryo. Walang nakaririnig sa mga daing niya. Maaari niyang mailabas ang lahat ng kanyang mga nararamdaman.

Bandang alas dose na yun ng gabi, malamig ang ihip ng hangin, mabasabasa ang kapaligiran at nagbabadya ang isang malakas na bagyo. Tumakbo si Tim palayo sa kanyang tinitirahan kasi di na niya maatim ang mga pangyayari dito Hirap na hirap na ang kalooban niya. Lungkot na lungkot na siya. “Tulong! Tulong! Kailangan ko ng tulong… Poon ko anjan ka bang talaga? Bakit ang sakit, ang bigat hindi ko na kaya ito! Nasa impyerno na bang talaga ako! Malungkot na daing ni Tim habang tumutulo ang luha at nanginginig sa lamig.

Ang hirap ng nararamdaman niyang buhay. Walang makain sa mesa, kung minsan ay isang pirasong tinapay lang at isang tasang kape sa buong magdamag. Hirap ang kalooban niyang nakikitang nahihirapan ang kanyang nanay at mga kapatid habang ang kanyang itay naman ay winawaldas ang pera na dapat ay ginagamit nilang pangkain. Ngunit wala siyang magawa, wala, sadyang ang hirap lang kasi ng kanilang buhay. At kinalaunan pa ay namatay ang kanyang kapatid dahil sa pulmunya at sa gutom, sadya kasing mahina ang katawan ng kanilang pamilya lalo na ang kanilang baga. Isang malaking dagok ito para sa kanila. Dinamdam ito ng lubos ng kanyang ina. Grabeng lungkot ang naramdaman nito. Umaga’t gabi, nakatitig lang sa pader, hindi nagsasalita at pilit na inaalala ang kanyang anak na naglaho na. Nagkaaway rin sila ng kanyang ama at dahil dito, napilitan siyang lumayo muna sa kanila at mapag – isa. Magmukmok at mag-isipisip tungkol sa buhay.

Iniisip niya ang lahat ng ito at bigla na lang siyang napasigaw “Ayoko na! Hindi ko na kaya ito! Ayoko ng mabuhay pa sa mundo!”

Habang siya ay nagmumukmok ay biglang… tik,tik,tik… sshhh, sshhh, wooosh, wooosh. Ang lakas ng hangin, ang lakas at laki ng mga butil ng tubig ulan. “Nariyan na ang bagyo” sabi ni Tim sa kanyang sarili ngunit hindi pa rin siya kumilos sa kinauupuan. “Diyos, ikaw ba yan? Talaga bang gusto mo na kong mawala?!” sumbat ni Tim. “Kung totoo ka nga, magpakita ka sa akin, sagutin mo ko! Kausapin mo ko!!! Sabihin mo sa harap ko ngayon na walang Impyerno sa langit.” pagalit na sigaw ni Tim. Ngunit… walang nangyari. Lalo lang lumakas at tumindi ang pagharabas ng hangin at pagbuhos ng tubig mula sa langit. At si Tim… wala rin. Patuloy na nagmumukmok habang umuubo at nanginginig sa lamig na dulot ng panahon. Nagtagal ang ulan ng ilang oras ngunit hindi pa rin siya kumilos sa kanyang kinalalagyan, mistulang naghihintay sa kung ano, marahil ang pagasa at lakas ng loob para makabalik sa kanyang buhay ngunit parang hindi na ito dadating pa.

Tumigil na rin sa wakas ang ulan. Humangin ng napakalakas ngunit hindi pa rin kumilos si Tim sa kanyang kinauupuan. Nararamdaman na niyang nanghihina na siya, nanginginig siya sa lamig, ubo, ubo, ubo, mistulang asong kahol ng kahol. Inaapoy na siya sa lagnat. Alam niya ito ngunit ayaw pa rin niyang kumilos at gumawa ng paraan. Mistulang naglaho na ang kanyang pag-asa at nais na mabuhay pa at harapin muli ang mga sakit sa buhay. Ilang sandali pa ay… tok, tok, tok. May papalapit sa kanya…. Tok, tok, tok, ito ay tumigil bigla. “Sino yan?” sigaw ni Tim. “Ako ito” sagot ng boses, “si Jhun” “Sinong Jhun?” banat ni Tim. “Anong ginagawa mo riyan?” “Ha ginagawa ko? Eh may narinig kasi akong sumisigaw at umiiyak naisipan kong puntahan at tingnan. Tiga riyan lang ako sa kabilang kanto kaya narinig ko ito.” Sagot ni Jhun. “Maaari ba kitang tabihan?” mahinahon na tanong ni Jhun.” “Ok lang, para rin makita kita .” sagot ni Tim.

Lumapit si Jhun sa nanginginig na si Tim at sinalat ang noo, “Aray! Ang init mo na ah!!! Doon ka muna sa amin, gagamutin kita.” Alok ni Jhun ngunit umiling lamang si Tim na nagpapahiwatig na masgusto niya rito. Walang nagawa si Jhun kundi ang tabihan na lamang si Tim upang maski papaano ay mainitan ang katawan nito.

“Ano ang ginagawa mo rito?” tanong ni Jhun. “Ha? Gusto ko lang kasing mapagisa at lumayo… at makalimot na rin.” Sagot ni Tim. “Ayos lang bang andito ko?” tanong muli ni Jhun. Tumango si Tim na parang nagsasabi sige bahala ka. Pagkatapos nito ay nanahimik ang kapaligiran na mistulang tumigil ang lahat dahil sa sobrang katahimikan. Pagkalipas ng ilang sandali ng katahimikan nagsalita na rin si Tim at kinuwento ang mga pasanin niya sa buhay. Mataimtim na nakinig si Jhun hanggang biglang naitanong ito ni Tim “Naniniwala ka ba sa langit?” “Oo naman” sagot ni Jhun “Totoo bang” tanong muli ni Tim “na may Impyerno kahit na sa langit?” Nagulat si Jhun sa mga narinig at sinabi, “Sino naman nagsabi sa’yo niyan?” “Madalas kasi itong banggitin sa akin nung bata pa lamang ako. At tuwing sinasabi kong masarap siguro sa langit bigla nilang binabanat at sinasabi ang mga katagang ito: ‘Langit, gusto mong mapuntang langit? Heh kung ako sa iyo ay ititigil ko na ang kahibangan mong iyan, hindi na ko aasa pa. Kung may langit man ay mistulang impyerno rin dun. Pagmasdan mo na lang ang buhay natin dito sa mundo. Walang magawa ang Diyos. Mahirap pa rin tayo! Mistulang Impyernong buhay!’ at dahil dito tinapon ko na ang paniniwala ko sa langit” sagot ni Tim. Napanganga at napatahimik si Jhun sa mga narinig at sinabi “Hindi ko rin kayang sagutin ang tanong mo eh. Pero alam kong may langit! Sigurado ko dun, andun na nga ang nanay ko ngayon eh! Hindi ko lang alam kung pati sa langit ay may impyerno rin. Sa tono ng pananalita mo kanina, mistulang wala ka ng inaasahang mabuti. Pero tandaan mo ang mga sasabihin ko sa’yo. Mas magandang umasa ka sa wala kaysa sa wala kang asahan. Kasi kung umasa ka sa wala, yung wala maaari pang magkaroon ngunit kung wala ka namang pag-asa, wala ng mangyayari sa’yo. Wala na yun eh!” “Salamat, napakabuti mo.” Nanghihinang sabi ni Tim. “Wag kang magalala, sasamahan kita dito hindi kita iiwanan, basta umasa ka lang at wag kang mawalan ng loob.” Sabi ni Jhun kasabay ang pagtulo ng luha sa mga mata. “Salamat sa Diyos, hindi niya ako pinabayaan. Hindi niya ako iniwanan.” Sabi ni Tim na tila nagdidiliryo na. Napayakap si Jhun sa nanginginig na si Tim na para itong tunay niyang kapatid at sinabi “Basta, umasa ka lang sa kanya, hindi ka niya iiwanan. Bibigyan ka niya ng ginhawa.” Umagos ang luha ni Jhun habang sinasabi “Salamat at nakilalakita” Sumagot si Tim, nanginginig sa lamig, mahina na ang boses at sinabi “ Salamat kaibigan, nakita ko ang Diyos sa iyo. Kung may impyerno man sa langit ngunit katabi ko naman ang Diyos at ang lahat doon ay katulad mo, handa na kong pumunta doon ngayon, hindi na ko natatakot at nagdadalawang isip pa. Umaasa na ko…” Natumba siyang nakangiti, pumikit ang mga mata at tumulo ang huling patak ng luha.


you are lovely ever lovely
fading slowly all so dreadly